RELATIONSHIPS -DISHONESTY IS A VIRTUE:

I received an email from my close friend Sydney, today, outlining her discomfort in not being completely honest with people. In particular, she said, “Why do I find it hard to let people know, either explicitly or implicitly, that I have no place in my life for them? Case in point, I just spent 1/2 hour on the phone with Claire, primarily listening to her usual shtick about Claire, and said I would LOVE to get together with her for lunch, when that couldn't be further from the truth. Also, guys at the gym who make stupid, thoughtless, arrogant and ignorant remarks and corral me into conversations... I'm always nice to them. What's up with that? I mean, I thought I had no problem being a bitch when I wanted to be.”

Sydney – and anyone else who struggles with this – here’s my two cents on the issue. You probably maintain the peace with people (family, co-workers, baristas, that bitch at the Gap) for a variety of reasons, but the overarching reason is quite simple. You just don’t want to have to deal with the discomfort of the truth. If honesty is really what you’re looking for, then call Claire right back and say, “You know, Claire, I'm not really a lunch date kind of person and we had a great chat on the phone, earlier, so unless there's something in particular that you wanted to discuss, I'd rather not go out for lunch."

I don't know exactly what it is that makes that kind of honest response so hard for us, but it just is. Honesty is hard to come by in everyday conversation because it can really mess things up. That's just the way it is. When someone says, "How are you?" we don't really respond with a forthright answer, because it's usually just not worth the investment. After all, the person asking the question is just taking my membership card or making my coffee. I highly doubt they would like to delve into my problems with co-workers or the ongoing feud with my next-door neighbors. To avoid this discomfort, we just say, "Great. Thanks." If we were outright honest in every answer, we might never get a job or be in a relationship because no one would put up with us. Why? Honesty can be painful. Honesty in a courtroom is required, but complete honesty in the boardroom or bedroom can cost you more than the slight discomfort of holding back the full truth.

Sydney, you said it yourself: a certain amount of dishonesty is the oil that keeps the wheels of society in motion.

Cheers